I was once recruited to do a condom ad.

When i asked the agent why she wanted a foreigner, she explained it thus: abortion rates were among the highest in the world, and the condom manufacturer believed there was a market if he could get his message out. Unfortunately, when he had done an advert before with a couple of Taiwanese, but there had been a public outcry: parents’ groups complained the advert was corrupting Taiwan’s youth – and pointless because they just weren’t having sex. The two actors even had to go on TV to say sorry for taking part in the advert. Now, the manufacturer was employing a different tact - He was employing a bunch of westerners to make his advert.

One Saturday morning Pierre, John (the ex-army guy), Eric (Mr. Authentic), two female friends of Pierre, myself and a film crew were sat in a bar at ten in the morning with the windows blacked out.

“No way I am doing this, man. Show up my fellow Westerner by enforcing stereotypes about us and one night stands and casual sex,” railed Eric.

“But we do all like to shag around, don’t we?” said John. “Anyway, the stereotype has its advantages.”

He then recounted the story of the girl last night who had spent most of the evening saying: “I don’t normally do this sort of thing. I am not a bad girl, you understand.” He explained he had started to walk off when she had said, “Are we leaving?” It had occurred to him at the time there was a slight contradiction between her actions and words, but he wasn’t about to resolve his confusion that evening. Then, this morning he had been curious: “You are a brave girl having a one-night stand in this society? What made you do it?” he asked.

She replied, “I know you foreigner don’t look down on the girl who do this. It is everyday thing for you.”

To which he said he replied, “Ideally it would be, but a man has to work.”

“Look at it this way,” continued John. “You are actually doing a public service, some social good…teaching the Taiwanese to be promiscuously responsible. It is a pain in the ass trying to convince a girl to let me wear a condom. Do it for me, mate.”

“Yeah, lighten up – It is not their fault they have modernity issues,” offered Pierre.

Eric grunted and turned to Rachel and Clare, the two American girls who had also agreed to do the ad. “You are going to sell yourself out?” he asked. “You are women.”

“Whatever. We’re out of here in a few months and it means less running around dealing with kids,” answered Clare to nods from Rachel.

“Jesus! You are women,” repeated Eric shaking his head.

“I’ll give you the apartment complex job if you do it. Come on, you are here now,” tugged Pierre (Pierre had found himself a nice sideline in TV ads).

“Jesus fucking Christ. I am going to shame myself. This better be quick.”

Five minutes later and they were about to start. There wasn’t much of a script: Pierre and John were to pick up the two girls while Eric was the barman and waiter.

“Uh, girls that table. Boys that one. Ok…talk. Conversation. Drink beer…” said the director.
“Good. Ok. You - Uh, smile. She, you wave him.” “OK. Gooda. Cut.”

“Take a break,”said the agent who was here to translate.

“This is original shit, eh? What does everyone say about the creativity here,”said Pierre.

“I know mate. This school I am working at is pushing me every day for new games, new ways to teach the same thing. It is driving me crazy,” confessed John changing the subject.

“Of course. That is why they employ us. They want to use our creativity,” answered Pierre.

“So you say. Anyway, you know any good teaching games? I really need a lifeline,” asked John.

“You just copy it from a book or someone else - Like you did in college.”

The director then started to get angry with us. “OK. Now. Go sit with the girls. Cheers the glass. Hold her hand…No, no, no. Stop. Cut. Cut. Cut,” shouted the director. “Hey, more feeling. Passion. What is the matter? – You foreigners are passionate. ”

The director then shouted at the girl from the agency.“I am so unlucky. Why you get me the shy foreigner?”

“No. No. No,” shouted the director again because John and Pierre were quietly asking the girls to go back to the hotel. “You are the foreigner. You like to fuck, no? Imagine you in the bar at home. You say, ‘Hey girl you are sexy. You want to make love. Easy. Natural. You have the lot of experience, no?”

“Can always have more kind sir,” said John.

“Guys,” said Eric. “He doesn’t want subtle. Don’t you ever watch the soap operas.”

“Yeah, but they’re ridiculous, over-the-top.”

“I got it mate,” shouted John. “Follow this Pierre.”

John pointed at Clare…himself…the door…raised a high eyebrow…and pulled a lewd grin.

“There you go – a Roger Moore, followed by a Sid James; that was a grin that would get a smack in the mouth of rejection by a fifteen stone buffer after she’s had ten pints,”he said.

Two minutes later – “Very gooda,” shouted the director. “That is what I like. You foreigners are so funny.”